Transport Me to a Whole New World
by DarkIceAngelFlare
Summary: R27 AU where Reborn is a fashionista hiding in the closet; Viper makes lots of money; Tsuna wants to stay the hell away from his creepy stalker ex-boyfriends, thank you very much; Byakuran doesn't take no for an answer; Luce is magical and everyone loudly discusses ways to kill Skull. Also something about transporters, Disney songs and shady mafia business, but that's not important
1. People Don't Like Skull

**This was inspired by "The Mexican" but there is very little drawn from the actual movie. Here's the Transporter AU I've been talking about on tumblr! I know I should be working on other R27 stories, like My Sempai and Romance Dawn, or my upcoming HP Durmstrang AU or my college essays, but inspiration struck, so yeah… I hope you guys like it! Let me know whether you think I should update this regularly!** :)

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Chapter 1: People don't like Skull

* * *

Don't ask questions. In this business, anyone who did was a dead man, and it was only Skull's immortality that kept him as Reborn's lackey.

Making statements, on the other hand, was perfectly acceptable.

"I'm no kidnapper," Reborn said, regarding the information broker with annoyance.

"Indeed, but you are a transporter and this is a transporting job," Viper replied, sipping her strawberry milk delicately.

"No, this is a kidnapping and then transporting job."

"Look, if this was a regular kidnapping, I would hand it over to Fon and be done with it. But this job requires a more… _delicate_ touch, which is why I called you two in," Viper said.

Skull sniggered. "Are you insinuating that we're more feminine?"

'Amateur,' Reborn thought as he exhaled loudly, not even blinking as a bullet carved its way through his lackey's frontal lobe. Viper, on the other hand, was far more vocal about it.

"Why the hell are you wasting bullets on these two? How many times must I tell you that bullets cost money? Have you no brain, you imbecile?" Viper loudly shouted at her latest 'assistant'.

Colonello frowned as he put his rifle down, the tip of it nudging his feet which rested on the edge of Viper's desk. "You said to shoot anyone in the head if they ask questions."

"Yes, but on Skull it's a wasted effort," Viper snapped, throwing her hands in the air. "Really, do you not pay any attention to what happens in the world outside of your crush?"

Colonello's face slipped into an expression of dumbstruck awe usually associated with any mention of the Interpol agent he was enamoured with. Viper's lips curled downwards as she turned back to the transporters.

"Well, that was a waste of a very expensive bullet," Skull said, rubbing his forehead as he rearranged himself on his seat. "Those are some fancy rounds, Blondie."

Colonello was pulled out of his reverie at the words, and he stared in shock as the guy whose brains should have been splattered on the ash wood floors smirked at him. "But I – I –"

Skull played with the bullet that had exited his head wound as he replied, "I'm immortal, bitch."

"Yes, and I wish the gods would smite your unworthy ass for your blasphemous existence," Viper spat as she tossed Reborn the relevant paperwork for the job.

"Since when are you religious?" the purple-haired transporter shot back.

"Since Verde tried to starve you to death, only for you to revive the moment a little bit of water was poured on you," she responded. "Now, are you two numbskulls going to take this job or not?"

Colonello continued to gape as Reborn reluctantly signed his name on the sparsely-occupied page. "The money is too good to pass up."

Skull scrawled his own name on the contract while Reborn examined the picture of their target. "So, this is the girl that the Millefiore boss is trying to fuck?" He tilted it slightly. "I would do her." His eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Although that awful sweater will have to go. And someone needs to tell her that that colour combination does not work."

"No one cares," Viper said, "and that's a boy by the way."

* * *

Sawada Tsunayoshi was not having a good day. In fact, he might be tempted to say it was a very bad day, but his horoscope said talking about bad luck would invite it upon him, so Tsuna would stick with the first statement.

His not-great day had nothing to do with the usual daily acts of sabotage from his fellow college students, his father's expectedly unexpected disappearance, the bruise on his forehead from when he had slipped on the stairs earlier nor the cancellation of his favourite band's concert. No, all of that was trivial compared to the massive headache sitting in front of him.

"I do not approve of you dating other men, herbivore."

"Kyoya, for the last fucking time, go away," Tsuna replied, rubbing his forehead.

"_Language_," Hibari Kyoya hissed back, his tonfa appearing on his arm like magic.

"Put your tonfa away before I call… someone. Can we have one civil conversation without you trying to beat me up?" Tsuna asked exasperatedly. He smiled awkwardly at the waitress who placed the cup of coffee in front of him before scurrying away. He didn't blame her: Kyoya was scary.

"Hn," Kyoya replied, his tonfa disappearing again. Tsuna wondered if Kyoya had ever considered being a stage magician.

"Look, Kyoya, we broke up a month ago already—"

"I don't remember that," Kyoya replied blandly.

Tsuna could feel a tick forming on his forehead as he forced himself to smile through his irritation. "Is that so? It involved a lot of screaming, an unconscious gang of thieves, five broken windows, the fire department and Channel 5 News."

Kyoya stared at him coolly. "We are still dating. And I don't approve of you cheating on me."

Tsuna slammed his fist on the table. "Whether you acknowledge it or not, I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"

It was a signed of how fucked up Tsuna's life was that no one in the café looked at him despite his yelling. He needed to find a new coffee place. This one was too used to the song-and-dance of his annoying ex-boyfriends.

"You're disturbing the peace, herbivore," Kyoya said, sipping his oolong tea.

"My date is going to be here soon and I won't let you scare him away like you did the others. Get out of here, Kyoya, before we have another _incident_."

A brick wall would have given him more of a response. Tsuna growled and reached into his pocket to show Kyoya exactly how serious he was.

"Hey, Tsuna!" a cheerful voice stopped Tsuna mid-reach.

"Dino! Hey!" Tsuna plastered a happy grin on his face as he hugged the blonde newcomer.

"Who's your friend?" Dino asked as he sat down on the table.

Kyoya glared. "Who the hell is this herbivore?"

"Dino Chiavarone, though in the modelling industry they call me the Bucking Bronco," Dino said, extending his hand for a handshake.

"You're cheating on me with a _model_?" Kyoya growled.

"Whoa, we haven't started to date and I'm already being two-timed?" Dino asked.

"No, Dino, this is my ex, the one I was telling you about," explained Tsuna hurriedly.

"Ah, the guy who can't take a hint." Dino waved his hand at a passing waitress. "Crashing our date is a bit of stalker-ish thing to do, you know."

"You don't know the half of it," Tsuna muttered while Kyoya stood up, brandishing his favourite pair of weapons.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi is mine. Leave and you will remain unharmed."

"One macchiato special and a serving of tiramisu, please," Dino told the server, turning his back to give his order. "Would you like anything else, Tsuna?"

"I'm good, thanks," replied Tsuna.

"That will be all, miss," Dino smiled as he dismissed the girl. He turned forward again and affected a surprised look to see Kyoya standing there seething. "Oh, are you still here? You should put those sticks away before you hurt yourself."

Kyoya lunged forward to hit the blonde, but froze in place as cool metal was pressed against his skull from behind.

"Nice and easy, step away from the boss," an older man said, his partners cocking their guns for extra emphasis.

Kyoya weighed his options while the café continued its normal business. Finally, the political student did as he was told, realising he would never get to all five men in time.

"Good, now let's go for a walk outside," the man continued, manhandling Kyoya until they were out of the door.

"Thanks, Romario!" Dino called out before the door closed.

"These your bodyguards?" Tsuna asked, glancing at the two men who had remained behind. "Seems a little excessive."

Dino laughed. "The way you go on about your exes, I thought I would need them. Looks like I was right." Dino took Tsuna's hand. "Besides, if it means getting a peaceful date with you, then nothing is too excessive."

Tsuna smiled shyly in response. "Sorry about him. He still hasn't come to terms with our break-up."

"He was stupid to push you away in the first place," Dino replied. "I promise not to make the same mistake." He brushed his lips against the Tsuna's knuckles.

The rest of the date went incredibly well, not just due to the lack of any of Tsuna's past flings making a scene. Dino was great company, and if not for his job calling him away, Tsuna would probably have taken him home.

"I'll call you tonight, okay?" Dino said, earnestly gripping Tsuna's hands outside the café's door.

"I look forward to it," Tsuna replied, standing on tiptoes to kiss the blonde gently on the lips. "Bye, Dino. Have fun at work." He waved as he walked away from his awestruck new boyfriend.

Tsuna glanced around as he turned onto the side road that was a shortcut to his family home. It was further away than his apartment, but his mother would keep away his exes, which is what he needed with a new boyfriend and a paper due tomorrow.

He hummed the tune of 'Beauty and the Beast' as he walked, but stopped mid-verse when he felt a sharp prick on the side of his neck. He yanked free the metal sticking out of the spot, noting vaguely that there was blood staining his shirt.

'A dart?' he thought confusedly, before his vision blurred and he fell into darkness.

"The gender-confused mouse is down and available for collection," Reborn said into his Bluetooth headset.

"Harry that," Skull replied, revving his motorcycle's engine.

"For the last time, 'roger' does not refer to a man's name!" snapped Reborn as he took apart his sniper rifle.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… I still don't believe you. Besides, I have a bad relationship with Rogers. They're all bastards who try to kill me."

"Everybody who's been in your company for longer than sixty seconds wants to kill you."

"I know. It's the affliction I must deal with to be this awesome."

Reborn snorted as he hurried down the emergency stairs of the apartment building he had chosen as his waiting spot. His headset crackled back to Skull's annoying voice as he said, "Mouse has been retrieved. Heading to rendezvous, but sad about the bike."

"I don't care."

"Why did this kid have to study all the way in fucking China?"

"Ask him when he wakes up."

"I can't believe we have to drive the entire way back to Milan."

"The thought of being in the car with you for such an extended period of time is revolting enough without you bringing it up every five minutes."

"Hey, I don't want to be stuck with you for so long either!"

"Just get to the car already!"

"But I have one more thing to say!" Skull whined.

"Fine. What?" Reborn growled.

"EURO TRIP~~!"

The line went dead.


	2. Tsuna Has No Sense of Danger

**Thanks for all the faves and follows! And huge thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter: ****M.M. Mendell, i am mi-chan 'AKA Dino-sensei, familymatters, Sanauria Maldhun, 8O, ariathal2410, animepie, AngelDemonSakura, F.A.M.4Life, Ellie, vb and Guest.**

**Sorry that this chapter is so crappy. I swear it gets better. I wish you guys an advanced happy Free Comic Book Day and Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you all ^u^**

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Chapter 2: Tsuna Has No Sense of Danger

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Tsuna woke up tied to a bedpost. This was not an unusual occurrence. It wouldn't be the first time he couldn't remember how he had gotten into this position, nor did he really think it would be the last. No, what bothered him was that he didn't recognise the bedroom he was in. His boyfriends and exes always took him to a familiar place whenever they decided to 'kidnap' him. They also tended to get rid of his clothes.

So, unknown territory. There was no sign of anyone in the room. He cautiously moved his arms, testing his bonds, before smirking.

'Amateurs.'

* * *

"You incompetent piece of _icy force both foul and fair, has a frozen heart with mining," _Reborn growled the lyrics of an annoyingly catchy song as he slammed Skull's head against the wall. "Can you do nothing right, you son of a _darling, it's better, down where it's wetter. Take it from me~!"_

Tossing the immortal away from him, Reborn gripped his fedora tightly and breathed quietly for a few moments. Calm. Peace. Serenity. There was no anger here. There was no Skull here. There was no missing Japanese students that Skull was supposed to keep an eye on instead of buying a sacrilegious latte, the fucking—

"You know," Skull said conversationally over Reborn's loud singing, "this is really great anger management therapy, if you think about it." He sniffed to make sure his nose had healed right. "It's much more fulfilling than beating me up, am I right?"

Reborn smashed his gun into Skull's nose, watching in satisfaction as it snapped beneath the pressure. "The hell it is. Get your ass moving and _find that boy_." He stalked out the room in a swirl of yellow and black.

"Drama queen," Skull muttered as soon as his nose was healed again.

* * *

Tsuna put the receiver down with a groan. Why did his mother never answer the phone? He stuck his hand into his pocket, instantly reminding himself that he had nothing on him: no mobile, money nor ID. He surveyed the nearly empty restaurant, and then slipped out from behind the counter.

"Thanks for letting me use your phone," he told the cashier in lightly-accented Mandarin. She blushed in response. "I'm sorry I can't buy anything." He headed for the door, intending to add more distance between him and the motel he had woken up in.

The door opened before he reached it, and a tall man in a suit entered. Tsuna blinked at the attractive male, who returned his gaze with a smile. Curly sideburns bounced as the man bowed slightly and said, "I'm sorry for being too forward, but it's rare to find someone this attractive on the road." His Mandarin was smooth, despite his foreign looks. "May I have the honour of knowing your name?"

"Yoshi," Tsuna replied, considering the man before him. It wouldn't be the first time he had used his looks to get him a free meal or help, and this man looked nothing like the description he had been given by the motel's receptionist. "And yours?"

"Boreen," the man replied. "Have you eaten?" He glanced at the menu stand. "I would love to get to know you more."

"As would I, but luck is against it. My ex is prowling around here and I'm trying to get away from him." Tsuna decided on a test.

Boreen raised an eyebrow. "What does he look like?"

"Tall, purple hair, lots of piercings, and wears a lot of leather." Tsuna tugged on his loose shirt. "Did I mention he's a bit of a dick?"

"Is that the type you normally go for?"

"I don't have a set type," Tsuna replied, licking his upper lip. "They just have to interest me."

"I can be very interesting," Boreen said, moving closer and pulling two menus from the stand. "And I have no fear of a little trouble. It makes things exciting."

Tsuna hesitated for a moment. There was a very real chance that his kidnapper would look for him here; he had just been on a date with Dino, though he had yet to confirm their relationship; he knew nothing about this man.

"I take it you're paying?" he asked.

"Of course," Boreen replied and led the way to a table. Tsuna followed him slowly.

He had always been addicted to danger, and this was no exception. He didn't regret it either, because Boreen was fascinating. The repartee flowed between them and Tsuna found himself losing his seductive edge for a more genuine smile and speech. Initially Boreen had been as smooth as Tsuna, but he too seemed to be affected by their conversation. Boreen's smirk became less pronounced, his Chinese giving away to some Italian phrases that brought heat to Tsuna's face. As their meals disappeared and were replaced by coffee and dessert, they touched a bit more and their conversation took a more sexual turn, though it was genuine than the beginning.

"I'm always open to adventure," Tsuna said, licking the last of the cream from his fork.

"An experienced lover, I take it?" Boreen asked.

"I've been around. I'm clean though. Are you?"

"Is it that hard to believe?" Boreen smirked. "Maybe I'm just waiting for the right one."

"Bullshit."

Boreen held Tsuna's chin, brushing his thumb against Tsuna's lips. "You have quite the dirty mouth."

"It's quite talented too," Tsuna murmured. "Would you like a taste? I don't mind giving you a test drive either."

"Right here?"

"I did say I like adventure." Tsuna watched his dinner partner's pupils dilate as he kissed the pad of his thumb. He smirked when Boreen immediately called for the bill.

"You're quite dangerous, you know that?"

"Why, thank you," Tsuna replied, but his smile fell away when he noticed a minor difference in Boreen's bearing. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"Not at all."

Tsuna didn't buy it. However, he remained as cordial and flirtatious as usual, hoping he hadn't scared away his prey so early. They left together, Boreen going to a plain black car and opening the door for Tsuna. The moment the brunette entered the warm interior the door shut and cool metal was pressed against his skull.

"Yo!" a voice said. "Scream and you're a dead man."

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**Anon Review replies: Thanks for leaving one and hope you all have a great week!**

**80: Hmmm... just wondering, any relation with 83 or 8D on my other stories? Lol, sorry if there isn't! Anyway, thanks for the review and I see that too! Question is, who are the exes? O.o Hope you liked the update (even though it was sucky...)**

**Eliie: Thanks so much for your support and for the review. I hope you like the update ^u^**

**vb: Haha, thanks so much. Your review made me blush!**

**Guest: Lol, I have a feeling that that list would take me forever xD You will see some soon though! Thanks for the review :)**


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